Uncivil Rights

A BLOG rife with wit, sarcasm, and the endless joy which comes from taunting the socialistic and unpatriotic liberal left. Logical thoughts and musings ONLY need reply...unless you're really, really funny. You have the Uncivil Right to be an IDIOT. "Give me LIBERTY, or give me DEATH!"

Saturday, December 11, 2004

It Could Only Happen to Me, Part I

Ahhh…Christmas time. Time of joy, friends, family, and good eating…most of the time…

Christmas 2003

God bless my in-laws. They are good people. I love them a lot. However, they do have their idiosyncrasies. For example, Christmas Eve dinner has been traditionally held at my in-laws for a traditional dinner. Food made from recipes handed down from generation to generation. Chili and oyster stew. Let me repeat that, chili and oyster stew for Christmas Eve dinner.

I have no idea how or why these two dishes were ever put together in the same dining experience, but they are. I like chili. Oyster stew I can do without. Most of the time I eat before we go, or I have a bologna sandwich for dinner. I tried to make changes. I made a prime rib roast one year. They had a bit of it after the chili and oyster stew. It was no use. Change was not coming. Bologna isn’t that bad.

Needless to say, I do not look forward to Christmas Eve dinner. That is why I have taken over the cooking for Christmas Day dinner. I’ve made turkey, ham, prime rib roast, and goose over the years. My wife prefers ham…so we have ham. But that’s okay. A nicely spiced spiral-cut ham is excellent. So I left it to my wife to pick up the ham last year. It was a week before Christmas.

On Christmas Eve day I mentioned that we still needed the ham. She was going out shopping, so I just figured she could pick it up while she was out. She said she would. She said she needed to pick up green beans for her green bean casserole. It’s nice how things work out.

On Christmas Eve eve I discovered she didn’t get the ham, or the green beans. She flippantly said we could pick the food up in the morning. I said, “Christmas morning?” “There are stores open on Christmas in the morning,” she claimed. Okay. She knew shopping; I didn’t. I succumbed to her wisdom.

On Christmas morning we packed the kids and the presents in the truck. We were heading to the in-laws. Our first stop of course, was the grocery store. Jewel was closed. No problem, Cub Foods is just up the street. Cub was closed. Aldi was closed. Dominick’s, Wal Mart, and Sunny’s Food Mart were all closed. Walgreen’s, Domino’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Pizza Hut were closed too, as was Target, Mr. Muffler, and Jiffy Lube (you never know). While crossing an intersection, I saw it. It was our last hope. I just wondered… I pulled into the parking lot.

I’ve never been in a Super Mercado before. It was a quaint, Mexican grocery store. It looked promising. As I was going down the first aisle, my spirits rose. Succulent fruit and vegetables were stacked neatly on the display. I spied the meat counter. I motioned to my wife that it was in the back. I made it there first. I gazed up and down the counter, a counter as long as the store was wide. By this time my wife was behind me. She said, “Well?”
I said, “Hon? Would you prefer the cow’s head or the chicken feet? They have cow tongue, tripe, brains, and intestines, not to mention the variety of pig entrails, what looks good to you?”

“Oh God, no ham?” she asked.

“Wait, what’s that down there?” I asked.

We made our way down by the chicken feet. There was our salvation. Ham tucked neatly on the top shelf. It fit neatly because it wasn’t real ham, it was block ham, processed, but we could technically call it ham nonetheless. A young lady came over to help us. She spoke no English, but that was okay. I just pointed to the ham, said, “quatro pounds please”, and smiled. She took the ham from the shelf and made her way over to the slicer. Now I ask you, who in their right mind would have sliced ham for Christmas…well…you know what I mean. I said, “No, no.” And then she said, “No? no?” We seemed to be at an impasse. I motioned for her to bring it over. She understood now. I wanted to say, “don’t slice it, we’re having a high-class Christmas dinner!” but I didn’t. She wrapped it up and we were on our way to the green beans.

Now I don’t know if any of you have ever been in a Mexican grocery store, but they have some really strange things. I saw it first. “Honey, I found them,” I said. She was staring at something on a bottom shelf with a look of disgust on her face. She came over to where I stood and looked. “I’m looking for green beans not sliced cactus,” she informed me. If I had been by myself and in a hurry…I wonder what green cactus casserole tastes like? Thank God I wasn’t alone. She found the green beans, or at least the picture on the can matched what we believed to be green beans. The fried onion rings were a no go, although there was an assortment of fried things in bags and cans but not onion rings, go figure.

We checked out and headed for the in-laws…laughing. The teriyaki glaze my wife made to go on the ham was the best, as was the green bean casserole sans the fried onion rings. We also had mashed potatoes and bread thanks to her mom. Not bad for a last minute meal.

Christmas is a time of family and fun and we had both.

This year, I’m getting the ham. I nice processed, thickly sliced Mexican ham maybe…or maybe chicken feet…
totalkaosdave, 7:59 PM