Uncivil Rights

The following is a chapter from the book If Liberalism Existed Since the Beginning of TIME by yours truly. This particular chapter is titled "Noah."

"Noah"

God: "Noah!"

Noah: "Yes Lord?"

God: "I am going to destroy the world with a great deluge. I am going to spare you and your family since you are righteous people. I want you to build an ark. On this ark you and your family will bring all animals in pairs, one male, and one female. After the waters recede, you will release the animals so they may multiply and inhabit the earth."

Noah: "Yes Lord."

And Noah got right to work. When the ark was finished, Noah began gathering all the animals in pairs, one male, one female.

Attorney 1: "Hold it right there!"

Noah: "What?....who are you?

Attorney 1: "I am the attorney for the People for the Ethical Handling of Animals. Just what are you doing with these animals?"

Noah: "I am doing my Lord's bidding. The Lord is going to destroy the earth with a great flood, and I am to take these animals in pairs, one male, one female, to save. After the waters recede, I will release them so they may multiply and inhabit the earth."

Attorney 1: "Riiiiighttt. Well this court order says otherwise. You are to cease and desist any and all activity pertaining to the animals. And by the way, you are in possession of two spotted owls. That's illegal. They happen to be on the endangered species list. I'm afraid you'll have to come with me."

Noah: "Are you serious? I have my Lord's work to do. I have to take these animals in pairs on the ark, one male, one female..."

Attorney 2: "EXCUSE ME!"

Noah: "Now what?! Who are you?"

Attorney 2: "I'm the attorney for gay animal rights. We're a subsidiary of the Animal Civil Liberties Union."

Noah: "Gay animal rights?"

Attorney 2: "That's right mister. And you're discriminating against gay animals!"

Noah: "Well.....I......am......just...."

Attorney 2: "You are going to have to give equal space to gay and lesbian animals on your boat there."

Noah: "It's an ark."

Attorney 2: "Whatever. You can't discriminate. Just because gay and lesbian animals aren't your cup of tea doesn't mean you can discriminate. We're suing you. This injunction says you have to stop the discrimination."

Noah: "But I'm doing my Lord's will. I need one male and one female of each species so they may procreate and multiply and inhabit the earth after the flood."

Attorney 2: "OH MY! That is soooo gross! You're offending me with that procreation talk!"

Attorney 3: "Did I hear someone say procreation is offensive?"

Attorney 2: "Yes, I did. Mr. Ark here has offended me by talking about animal sex!"

Atorney 3: "That's all I need to know."

Noah: "Wait a minute! Who are you, and what are you talking about?"

Attorney 3: "I'm an attorney for the group Sexual Harassment Is Terrible, and I specialize in suing people for sexual harassment. I'm afraid I'm going to have to sue you."

Noah: "Sue me? But...but...I'm....just...."

Attorney 3: "Sorry. You've created a hostile environment by talking about animal sex in front of my client. Oh, here's my card."

Attorney 3 turns to Attorney 2 and hands him his card.

Noah: "Oh my Lord! Could this get any worse!?"

Coast Guard: "Hi. Nice boat you got here. Do you have a permit for this boat?"

Noah: "A permit? No. And it's an ark!"

Coast Guard: "Yeah right. Ark. I'm with the Dead Sea Coast Guard, and you need a permit for your boat."

Noah: "It's an ARK! and I just built it."

Shop Steward: Oh? Are you in the Woodrights and Shipbuilders Union Local #1?"

Noah: "What?...no, I'm not. I was just..."

Shop Steward: "I KNOW you're NOT! I'm the steward for WSUL1, and that boat was built WITHOUT union workers or union approval. I'm filing a greivance against you.

Noah: "OH LORD MY GOD! PLEASE HELP ME!"

It softly starts to rain...